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so here’s the deal…

For over 20 years, I have written words for others. I am thankful for that work. But sometimes I simply need to write my own words.

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“The deal” is that I spent the majority of the day curled up in the fetal position on my bed.  Ashamed.  Paralyzed with fear, shame and guilt, in fact.  Yep, there you have it.

“Get yourself together, Jenny.  Get over yourself.  Keep things in perspective, for goodness’ sake.  What is wrong with you?!  Idiot.”

It doesn’t happen every day, but since my thyroidectomy a year and a half ago, it happens a lot more than I’m willing to admit (hormone hell I’m telling you, but I’m still thankful!). For those who’ve had to live with and around me over that time, thank you for your patience and love. But by the end of this, I PROMISE there’s a turning point. (And all the angels sing, “Hallelujah!”)

First off, I want you to know that I’m not telling you this for sympathy.  I’m really not.  I did not WANT to tell it.  At all.  Because I’m ashamed of it.  But I’m telling you because there’s someone who needs to hear that they’re not alone.

You’re not alone.

You’re not alone in the fetal position in the middle of your bed.  Or your couch.  Or your floor.  Or your car.  Or your office.  Or your kids’ school.  Or standing in the middle of a crowd of people.

I know you’ve seen those t-shirts that people have.  You know the ones that say, “I love Jesus, but I drink a little.”…”…cuss a little.” “…etc.  (Thank you, Gladys Hardy!)  Well anyway, I need a t-shirt that says, “I love Jesus, but I get discouraged a little.”


Worrying.  Carrying.

Worrying about more health problems and the swelling I can feel now on the left side of my neck.  Worrying that there’s something else wrong with me.  Why is my hair falling out so rapidly?

Carrying guilt and shame because a close family member is an alcoholic and it’s getting worse.  And nothing I do makes it better.

Worrying that…I’m a bad mother.  That I don’t belong.  That I don’t matter.  That people are sick of me.  That I’m annoying and people just “put up” with me.  I mean, why would anyone want to be my friend anyway?  When they could be friends with [insert a million other names.]  I’m the forgettable one who is boring, not funny, blah.  That I am not a good enough…Jesus-follower…wife…mother…friend…sister…daughter…or [everything/anything.]  Heck, you name it, I’ll feel bad about it even if I never even did it once in my life!

Carrying the mean comments and blow-offs from people – both family and friends.

Worrying how I’m going to cover all the bills.  Take care of everything and everyone.  Get all this work and writing done.  Find new clients.  Keep everyone happy.

And then there’s the worrying and carrying concerning my kids!  Oh Lordy.  AND all that is happening in the world.  And for my neighbor down the street.  And for Joe at work…police are hated more than ever today (even by people in our extended family).  And then there’s sadness he sees every day, oh the sadness.

It’s the same old crap. Crap being the key word. Because that’s what it is…crap.

But I’m done.  Once and for all…once. and. for. all.  Done. {Just click on that link real quick…it’s a song, and it will only take a couple minutes to listen to.  Here are the words…}

God I give You what I can today
These scattered ashes that are hid away 
I lay it all at Your feet
From the corners of my deepest shame
The empty places where I’ve worn Your name
Show me the love I say I believe
O Help me to lay it down
Oh, Lord I’ll lay it down O let this be where I die
My Lord with Thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdoms fall
Once and for all, once and for allThere is victory in my Savior’s loss
and in the crimson flowing from the cross
Pour over me, pour over meO let this be where I die
My Lord with Thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdom fall
Once and for all, once and for all

O Lord I lay it down
O Lord I lay it down
Help me to lay it down
O Lord I lay it down

O let this be where I die
My Lord with Thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdoms fall
Once and for all

Once and for all

Oh Once and for all

Once and for all

(Lauren Daigle, How Can It Be)

Once and for all…we can be done with all that nastiness.  All the crap we’ve been carrying.  All those lies we’ve been worrying about, feeling guilty about.  The discouragement.

A story is told that Satan was “going out of business.” All of his tools were offered for sale.  They were attractively displayed on a table.  What an array – hatred, envy, jealousy, deceit!  One harmless-looking one, much worn, was priced higher than any of the others. “What is that tool?” someone asked. “Discouragement,” was the reply.  “Why is it so expensive?”  Satan answered, “Because it is more useful to me than any of the others.” (From author, Millie Stamm)

Let’s be done with that.  Let’s, like David, “find our strength in the LORD our God” (1 Samuel 30:6).

I don’t know much, but I DO know the Word of God.  In fact, I LOVE the Word of God.  And I know what it says about me.  About you.  About my neighbor down the street.  About my sweet friend.  About our world.  It says this…you ready for it?  (It sure as heck isn’t any of that crap I was worrying about and carrying…you can take that to the bank.)

It says…HE says, “I love you.”

And HIS Love is unlike any other. His Love is WAY more secure than Gringotts Wizarding Bank (for you Harry Potter fans). More secure than the love of any person here on earth. It’s the MOST secure thing you’ve ever known or will know. In fact, when we’re feeling INsecure, Job 11:18 tells us, “And you will feel secure, because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in His security.”

So let’s LET HIM love us.  Once and for all.

Here’s the deal (again). I just flat-out love this guy named Jesus.  Even when I’m sad, discouraged, depressed…I love Him.  But more importantly, HE loves YOU (and me, too).  Let Him love you.  He’s dying He died to.

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  1. Melissa says:

    Oh, Jenny…. How I needed to hear this… Thanks!

  2. I’ve known you longer than almost everyone in your life. And I have loved you since before you were born. It is our bond of family that ties us, yet it’s deeper because you are more than my sister–you & I share an insatiable love for Christ and THAT is what has propelled our family bonds to a deeper, eternal, open and REAL connection.

    Your love for Christ is what makes you so kind. And you’re not “too nice” or kind because, as a believer, there is no such thing.

    2 Timothy 2:23&24
    Don’t have anything to do with foolish & stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must BE KIND TO EVERYONE, able to teach, not resentful.

    Thank you for your teaching in this raw, honest post. Thank you for sharing your meekness in the Lord–which is not weakness but rather “power under control.”

    I love you, love the victory that is already ours, and we can “escape the trap from the devil” (2Tim2:26)!

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modern problem solving.
old-fashioned work ethic.

dallas, TX

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